Los Angeles - December 16, 2002

Boys Won't Cry

Holiday Gift Guide for Men

Who said “It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than to find a good present for a guy”? Santa Claus, probably. Well, we’ve got suggestions for your dudes, esquires, cads, uncles, and dads.

For the Housework-Averse Bachelor
Dude doesn’t know his dust-mop from his dish-drain. The Roomba is a self-navigating robotic vacuum cleaner with sensors to keep it from bumping into furniture and walls. It even turns itself off when done. (Kinda like him.)

For the Vinyl Hound
He loves his LPs, collects 8-tracks, and is still making you mix tapes. (Aww.) Vintage stereo gear adds immeasurable slickness to his surroundings. And what better way to enjoy his new equipment than with some old-school records.

For the Gym Dandy
He’s the sporting type of the old-world variety (Read: he cringes at the word Crunch). Tumi’s gym bag will ensure that he gets to his workout in sophisticated style.

For the Classic-Rocker
He’s the best air guitarist you know. For every ballad, his Bic is at the ready. Get him a vintage concert tee at Lo-Fi. But expect to pay top dollar: The Zeppelin one pictured is in such demand there’s a waiting list. (Lo-Fi, 1038 North Fairfax Avenue, between Santa Monica Boulevard and Melrose Avenue, 323-654-5634.)

For the Stargazer
You spend so much time trying to keep his wanna-be-actor feet on the ground. Give the sorry dreamer a break. (Delusions of stardom are the gift that keeps on giving.) A brass-and-leather spyglass will bring the stars within reach. (Available at Tesoro, 8625 Melrose Avenue, at San Vicente Boulevard, 310-289-8272.)

For the Couch Potato
Okay, so he’s a lazy good-for-nothing (but you love him so dearly!). Perhaps it’s time for a more subtle approach. Appeal to his more “sensitive” half with Songbook, a new collection of essays by Nick Hornby (practically the only author the dude will read). Too much of a stretch? Let him stay on the couch and play Master of the Universe with an Invoca voice controlled remote.

For the Man Who Likes To Watch
Sports, that is. (Ya big ol’ smutbrain.) Go the PG-13 route with NBA tickets.

For the Anglophile
Sick of hearing about his work woes? Show him it’s worse (and funnier) across the pond. The Office is the most hysterical show on British telly.

For the Distinguished Gent
The bloke looks like he was born in a tux. Complete the look with sterling-and-cabochon cuff links (matching studs available too) from Suzanne Felsen. (Suzanne Felsen, Bergamot Station, 2525 Michigan Avenue, number G3, 310-315-1972.)

For the Not-So-Distinguished Gent
Nothing says “I love you” to the puerile man-boy in your life like the three-disc, 42-episode Best of Beavis and Butt-Head collection. Features such classics as “Troubled Youth,” “Chicks N’ Stuff,” and the unforgettable “Butt-o-ween.”

For the Square Peg
Always just a bit off the beaten path. He probably likes his eggs that way, too. In which case he needs an egg cuber (scroll right to see it). Just drop in a hard-boiled egg in, screw the top, and soon he’s got an honest-to-goodness freak of nature. (To order, call 888-941-4777.)

For the Darlin’ Who’s Just Dying to Make You Breakfast in Bed
Let him eat the weird-looking square egg. You’ll have the Belgian waffles.

For the Guy of Your Dreams
Why should chicks be the only ones to get flowers? Trust us — men love it too. (He scores bonus stud points if you send them to the office.) Send a bouquet with meaning: yellow chrysanthemums are the flower of the secret admirer; yellow tulips signal hopelessly in love; red roses are, well, red roses. (Available at Moe’s Flowers, 8101 Melrose Avenue, 323-653-5444.)

For the Multitasking James Bond Wanna-be
Aiptek’s Mini PenCam is the smallest digital camera, camcorder, and Web cam around. Not that this will get him any closer to Halle Berry, but a guy can dream.