You’ve been Tour de France scheming ever since Armstronaughey brought spandex back. But your daily grind isn’t suited to cycling aspirations. Plus, you don’t speak French. Join message-boarding bike group Faster Mustache (what? you haven’t heard of Critical Mass?!) instead and sign up for their 24-hour bike race, starting Saturday in Old Fourth Ward and snaking its way around town. The relay will hit Atlanta hangouts like Lenny’s in L5P, Octane in West Midtown, and Skate Escape at Piedmont and Fourteenth. Sure, you’ve got to start at Johnny’s Pizza, but you and your team (up to six amis) can create your own route around the checkpoints. The whole thing should take novices about an hour, but the top four or five need-for-speed junkies will take home prizes. There are brewskies and live music along the route for anyone participating and legal. So, you know, it won’t be a complete uphill battle. To register, go to 24.fastermustache.org.