7:15 a.m. 7/9/2009 Mercy Hairy Hospital, Psych Ward Case Notes: Patient X bounded into office with super shiny hair, claiming little else than some “mind-numbingly” awesome session at a spot called Muse Salon. Patient Comments: Patient X remembers booking a scalp conditioning appointment with Hailey Hays. After a comb-out and some light pressure on Hays’s part, patient recalls little else. (Witnesses claim that homegirl promptly slipped into a coma.) Additional Notes: Hays claims to have continued services with a self-warming cleansing oil infusion and clarifying rinse, followed by a painted-on nutrient mask and steamy, hot towel head wrap. Hays then rendered Patient X completely immobile. (She describes administering an “intense” head and neck massage. Witnesses likened it to “angelic jujitsu.”) Conclusion: A nourishing shampoo, blowout, and flatironing, according to salon owner Daniel Jones. Patient exhibits full use of limbs and a pillow-soft coif. Though she’s clearly head over heels for this treatment. Muse Salon and Spa, 4620 Kimball Bridge Road, Alpharetta (678-393-2214 or musesalonandspa.com).