Boston - December 07, 2005

Ah, Men

2005 Holiday Gift Guide for Guys

Boys. Can’t give to ’em, can’t live without ’em. Why must they claim every holiday season there’s nothing they want? Who died and made them ascetic Buddha?

We know better: There are plenty of things they want. They’re just too adolescent (new Xbox, porn) to list. Well, here’s a decoder to help divine their precise desires.

Statement: “Just get me a tie.”
Translation: “I think my fashion sense might suck, so I’ll feign indifference.”
Get him: An ultra-cool bag from the newest line by Zurich-based Freitag, carried at Uniform (511 Tremont Street; 617-247-2360).

Statement: “What’s with all the fancy chocolates? Chocolate’s chocolate.”
Translation: “I eat all of your Godivas when you’re not looking.”
Get him: His own. Temper (500 Commonwealth Avenue; 617-375-2255) makes lovelies in flavors like single malt scotch.

Statement: “I do not hog the remote.”
Translation: “I hog the remote.”
Get him: His own twelve-inch portable flat-screen that wirelessly accesses DVDs, videos, cable, TiVo, and the Web.

Statement: “Couldn’t you just pretend to care more about sports?”
Translation: “There will never, ever, no matter how much you try, be enough you can do to indulge my sports fanaticism.”
Get him: A portable backyard ice rink. That oughtta do it.

Statement: “Screw metrosexuality. You know I hate smelly products.”
Translation: “If I pick out my own, I fear I will smell like I’m gay and look like a pimp.”
Get him: The brand new men’s body scrub soap from Kiehl’s (112 Newbury Street; 617-247-1777), and anything else from their low-key but highly effective Ultimate Man collection.

Statement: “Sorry I didn’t call. I was just way too busy last week.”
Meaning: “Apparently I need some sort of mechanism to help me to organize my time. Could such a magical tool exist?”
Get him: A calendar brimming with enough sleek, gorgeous cars to make sure he looks at it regularly.

Statement: “I’ll stick to beer, thanks.”
Translation: “I’m scared to death of coming off like a philistine when ordering wine.”
Get him: Signed up for Piattini’s (162 Columbus Avenue; 617-423-2021) hands-on Class in a Glass. He eats dinner at the Italian bistro (with you) and simultaneously gets a primer on wines that complement each course.

Just think of all of the above as the true meaning of the holidays.

Want more inspiration? We’ve done Gift Guides for Guys in all our editions today. Start with Everywhere.