Holy Toledo, Miss South Beach! You’re headed straight for a deep-fried fiasco at the drive-thru.

WHAMMO! KER-POW! You need to protect yourself from self-destruction.

An iron will? An iron muzzle? An iron fist?

Who you gonna call? The Resident Chef. Founded by Aria alum James Gomez, this personal cooking service will customize a restaurant-worthy menu for you — and will gladly accommodate whichever diet train you hopped on this week.

Here’s how it works: One of Gomez’s minions comes to your home twice a week, cooks three days’ worth of meals in your kitchen, and leaves them nicely packaged in your fridge. It’s effortless eating for Supergirls and Flash Gordons who are too busy — or too uncoordinated — to cook for themselves.

It’s a bird! It’s a plane! Aw, hell. It’s dinner.

The Resident Chef (773-517-5150 or theresidentchef.com).