Chicago - June 15, 2009

Word Up, Pops

A Father's Day Fill-in-the-Blank

Dearest Pappy,

Remember when I didn’t speak to you for _____ [large number] years because I was holed up in my room on my _____ [wireless device of choice]? I’m sorry.

And not the kind of sorry I was when I _____ [violent verb ending in -ed] your _____ [famous baseball player] card collection. (Who knew those things were flammable?)

I’ll never forget the time you _____ [kung fu move ending in -ed] _____ [asshole ex-boyfriend] in the _____ [sensitive male body part] because he left me at prom. That was the _____ [endearing superlative adjective]. I forgive you for the _____ [nasty food combination] you packed in my lunch in _____ [ordinal number] grade. I may have been publicly humiliated, but I learned the true meaning of _____ [significant-sounding noun]. Thank you for feigning interest when I endlessly asked for advice about which _____ [kind of makeup] matched my _____ [clothing article]. Orange and pink clash, but I love you all the same.

Even though your toenails resemble a _____ [prehistoric being] and your jeans would look better on _____ [Britain’s Got Talent second-place winner], that _____ [facial feature] would make both _____ [Sports Illustrated swimsuit model] and _____ [NBA player] jealous.

You’d never admit it, but I know I’m your favorite. Who else would stand for _____ [large number] hours in _____ [expensive, uncomfortable kind of shoes, plural] for tickets to see _____ [burnt out ’70s musician]? No one, that’s who.

I love you, Dad. Happy Father’s Day.

Don’t forget the gift: Get inspiration from our Everywhere edition.