Army of One

Attention! Troops, I’m General Store. Do as I say, and we’ll get along fine.

Today we’re ambushing Rudy’s Roundup. Under ordinance 54434 you will respect owner Brooke Timm.

When perusing the premises, use tact and judgment. Absolutely no testing of cruelty-free beauty products like handmade Earthworks soap or Least Likely 2 Breed lotion. Avoid Crazy Rumors vegan lip balm — it’s napalm for wimps. Tsores and Zadz jewelry are dangerous, so accessorize carefully.

The vintage clothing section is no-man’s-land. Look, don’t touch, the garb and handbags: Timm braves the front lines of estate sales to find ’em.

You — with the attitude — twenty push-ups while I taunt you with Rudy’s retro candies. You like those Neccos, don’t ya?

Hold up: stuffed animals shaped like bacteria (chlamydia, staph)?

We surrender.

Rudy’s Roundup, 1410 North Milwaukee Avenue, at Wolcott Avenue (773-486-6400 or rudysroundup.com).