Want a quiet weekend? You’re barking up the wrong tree.

GO
Dog Wash
What: PAWS Chicago benefit helps clean up your pup.
Why: Yippee, Fido’s fur ball free.
When: Sat., noon-4 p.m.
Where: Simon’s Shine Shop, 1439 W. Shakespeare ...

There goes Flawless Faith — from her pore-minimizing facial to her Pilates one-on-one, where she will finally tone away that last nanogram of body fat and become officially perfect.

Before you give in to the urge to take a baseball bat ...

Some people like going to the hairdresser. The yip-yapping. The wafting scent of hair chemicals. Getting jerked up and down in your seat.

Then again, some people also like cutting themselves with knives.

That’s why stylist Aaron Clark, who spent more ...

Four white walls, an overstuffed beige sofa, and a khaki berber rug. Sounds like you’ve fashioned yourself a real winner of a pad.

Unless you’re trying to achieve some sort of minimalist existence, there’s really no excuse for such a ...

There’s no quick fix like a spa day.

The relaxation, the detoxification, the exfoliation — all conspiring to leave you ten pounds lighter.

It’s no wonder you feel like a feather. Not only do they clean out your pores, but ...

You aren’t terribly fond of the hunt.

Overheated garage sales, dusty secondhand shops, flea markets — rifling through other people’s trash isn’t exactly your idea of a good time.

But when it comes to the contents of your home you ...

Offering to chauffeur Pops to his special F-Day dinner seemed like a great idea.

Then you looked at your beat up Civic.

You slathered on the Turtle Wax. Vacuumed. (Twice.) Even tried a fuzzy steering wheel cover. (Desperate times, desperate ...