If you were to receive a holiday card that said, “Your love is a blessing,” you’d throw up a little bit in your mouth. And there is zero humor in “Happy Howlidays,” people (sheesh).

This year, let DailyCandy’s cheeky card collection from Someecards.com send the right sentiments.

The free e-cards speak your language. Think short and sweet (figuratively speaking, anyway) with witty sayings like, “In lieu of gifts this Hanukkah, I’m asking for better JDate results.”

The genius site thought of everyone. Present your gold-digging big sis with a “Sorry your boyfriend’s year-end bonus being cut by three-quarters has made you 75 percent less attracted to him” one-two punch. They even made a jab for your Bible-beater buds with the “May you wake up New Year’s Day underneath a man instead of a pile of women’s magazines” zinger.

From their lips to God’s ears (seriously).

Available online at someecards.com.