Hair’s heyday? Definitely the ’70s.

Exhibit 1: the Fuzzy Pumper Barbershop (plastic people who grew long, lush Play-Doh hair when you pressed the handle — genius).

Exhibit 2: the Afro (gotta love a ’do that defies everything from propriety to ...

Okay, so your dream of being an international martial arts action hero hasn’t worked out.

You knew it was time to throw in the towel the day your karate sensei called you a — what was that again? — “clumsy ...

Having a chocolate-smeared face isn’t nearly as endearing today as it was back when you were a kid.

And yet every time you indulge, the signs are all too obvious.

At Riviera Spa, they won’t pshaw your messy chocolate ways. ...

It’s true: You can’t take it with you.

But that’s the least of your problems. Why fret over what you can’t smuggle into the afterlife if you don’t have time to shop in this one?

Thank heavens for Susan Woodruff, ...

Talk about traumatizing.

Last time you went to get a massage, you ran into Suzy Howell, high school nemesis, in the ladies’ locker room. You weren’t wearing a stitch of makeup, hair product, or even clothes.

If such an incident ...

You know that being fashion-forward is one percent inspiration,
99 percent perspiration.

Which is to say, it involves a good deal of running around.

So new twists on multitasking are always welcome.

Mani-pedi joint Royal Nails offers a rare combo: ...

Oral fixation?

So not a crime.

A thumb here, a lollipop there — no one’s calling you Deep Throat just yet.

Still, sometimes even an innocuous pen cap can have the wrong meaning.

Next time, opt for something less suggestive ...