An imaginary excerpt from the 2004 Presidential Debate:

MODERATOR: Senator Kerry, what do you make of the recent ads, funded by Flop Sweat Veterans for Truth, alleging that your excessive perspiration at the DNC is evidence of a glandular disorder that might make you unfit to lead?

SENATOR KERRY: These attacks on my glands are unfounded and vicious. I am perfectly qualified to fight the war on sweat. In fact, I voted to pass a bill legalizing the Dockers Perspiration Guard shirt — a shirt which, thanks to breakthrough technology, will protect all Americans from unsightly underarm stains.

PRESIDENT BUSH (rebuttal): We’ve acknowledged Senator Kerry’s service against sweat. And we honor him for it. However, it’s obvious he’s not qualified to secure the nation against excessive perspiration. His record shows a tendency to flip-flop on the issue. In fact, I believe Mr. Kerry’s very words were “I voted against the Dockers Perspiration Guard shirt before I voted for it.” And, for the record, he’s very sweaty right now. Me? I don’t sweat. My staff does it for me.

MODERATOR: Gentlemen, please! Limit your discourse to accusations of cowardice, stupidity, dishonesty, treason, and other accepted forms of character assassination.

Dockers Perspiration Guard shirts, the unofficial shirt sponsor of both major candidates (and, presumably, sweat hogs everywhere), can be purchased online at dockers.com.