Dear Steve Buscemi, You probably get hundreds of letters like this a day. I know I’m not the only girl who kisses your picture each night. I’m sure the phrase “you haunt my dreams” is as familiar to you as “one more take, this time with more eye bulge.” Loving you is easy; not actually knowing you is hard. What would make it better? If you could sign the enclosed T-shirt, printed with a picture of your unforgettable visage. I will wear it as I watch your oh-so-hot star turn in Reservoir Dogs for the 417th time and cry myself to sleep with your character’s famous diatribe against tipping the waitstaff echoing through the caverns of my blighted soul. Thank you — for the T-shirt, for the memories, for just being you. Love, Your biggest fan, like, ever. Available online at shirtsandladders.com.