Welcome, ladies and gentlemen. Please turn off cellular phones and open candy now.

(Beeping and crackling.)

Tonight’s performance of Dog & Pony Theatre Company’s As Told by the Vivian Girls is a world premiere by Devon de Mayo …

(Beep. Crackle. Beep.)

Achem. (Silence.) The show is inspired by artist Henry Darger’s illustrated story, The Realms of the Unreal, in which girls fight child slavery.

(Crackle.)

The show has no seating. Instead, like a Choose Your Own Adventure, you’ll pick characters to follow on foot throughout the performance, creating your own version of the story. It all culminates in two simultaneous endings. Some material — bloody battles, mild sexuality — may shock you.

(Riiiiiiiiip.)

Okay, that’s just nasty. Bottom line is, this show rocks.

Enjoy it, sickos.

As Told by the Vivian Girls runs through May 25; previews tonight at Theater on the Lake, 2401 North Lake Shore Drive, at Fullerton Avenue. Tickets at 773-360-7933 or online at dogandponychicago.org.