Dear Mom,

I know at times I’ve been                     [derogatory adjective], called you names like                     [farm animal], and acted as entitled as                     [snotty teen celebrity].

Like that time I drank too much                     [alcoholic beverage] and                     [bodily function] all over                     [family pet]. Or when I lied about going to                     [girlfriend’s name]’s house and actually went to                     [boyfriend’s name]’s, and you never said a word.

Thank you for pretending not to see me the night I came in at                     [unreasonable hour] and started talking to the                     [inanimate object]. And for never mentioning the                     [sex toy] I know you found in my drawer when I was             [alarmingly young age]. Through it all, you remained as steadfast as                     [WWE contender], as sweet as                     [dessert], and as accepting as                     [wife of adulterous politician].

Without you, I’d be eating                     [fast food chain] for breakfast and dressing like                     [local loon]. You have so much going for you, Mom. You look as young as                     [different snotty teen celeb] (before her                     [vice] addiction). You’re the                     [hyperbolic adjective] mom in the world.

I love you. Happy Mother’s Day!

Fill this out and give it to Ma for Mother’s Day!