Those blessed with big knockers wish they were flat as a pancake. And gals with mosquito bite-size tatas dream of giant melons. We’ve finally found a bust that’s just right — in the form of a candle. The brainchild of a German artist, the sculptured burner takes the shape of Mortimer’s bust. (No, we have no idea who Mortimer is, but he is quite fetching.) Available in black or white, the nine-inch work of art adds the perfect amount of creepiness to a room, as he literally melts away when ignited. We’re partial to burning about half of his face and keeping him on display as a piece of art on the mantle. Go ahead and invest in two. It’s by far the cheapest pair we’ve seen on the market. Available online at iloveuma.com.