Dear Diary,

What a year! Though as exciting as ____ [amusement park ride], 2008 was a ____ [expletive] ____ [type of natural disaster]. Now that it’s over ( ____ [divine invocation]), here’s what I vow to do differently in 2009.

1. Stop biting my ____ [body part]. Sure, news about ____ [any headline] makes me as spastic as ____ [Amy Poehler SNL character] on ____ [type of upper], but ingesting my own ____ [same body part] doesn’t help. Especially not while riding ____ [type of Philadelphia public transport].

2. Exercise more. I recognize that I act like ____ [infamous serial killer] when I don’t and promise to hit the ____ [machine that resembles a human hamster wheel] at least ____ [number] times a week — no matter how much I just want to watch ____ [quirky HBO series] and eat ____ [type of food containing lard].

3. Get my finances in order. If there’s anything I’ve learned this year, it’s that the world is full of people like ____ [comic book bad guy], ____ [Dickensian villain], and ____ [recently shamed politican]. It’s time to cut up my ____ [credit card], ____ [other credit card], and even my ____ [department store] card and take care of myself.

So cheers, 2009. Here’s to ____ [overused Obama campaign word] I can believe in.