What do you have when you take out the tough love, nasty drill sergeants, and hard living conditions from your typical boot camp? The Ranch at Live Oak Malibu, a luxe health and wellness retreat nestled in the Santa Monica Mountains, where you’ll spend a week in a well-appointed private cabin. You’ll also endure twelve-mile hikes, “om” and “ugh” your way through double yoga sessions, and grit your teeth through intense workouts every single day.

The Ranch at Live Oak Malibu (310-457-8700 or theranchmalibu.com).

You start most days to the tune of a blaring marimba. Trade it for a program guide gently clinking a Tibetan chime outside your door. It’s the only thing that makes waking up at 5:30 a.m. feel somewhat civilized.

You might think you’re dreaming, but no. You are actually doing yoga at the crack of dawn.

After an early-morning yoga class, it’s time for the most important meal of the day: breakfast. Actually, with chef Kurt Steeber’s strict — and totally delicious — diet plan, every meal, snack, smoothie, or cup of tea feels like an extremely big deal.

Make chef Kurt Steeber’s green smoothie and overnight oatmeal recipes at home.

Feel like you need a change of scenery? By 8:30 a.m. each day, you embark on a four- to five-hour hike on one of Santa Monica Mountain’s many picturesque trails. Clocking an average of ten miles a day, you should get your fill.

After hours of hiking, you know what you’re really in the mood for? A double cheeseburger. But what you get is four (okay, maybe six) almonds and a pinch (or two) of sea salt, and, shockingly, it’s enough to keep you going the rest of the way.

With hard work comes great reward, like a leisurely lunch on the beach. Bonus: as much coconut water as you can drink!

Postlunch, it’s time for a nap. The only thing bad about going down for a snooze is knowing you have to get up again for the midafternoon workout.

The best part of every day — better than having cauliflower steak for dinner, better than soaking in the hot tub — is when you head down to the massage huts, where expert therapists undo any damage you might have done. Optional chiropractic treatments and acupuncture also help your healthy cause.

Once you’ve got your second yoga class out of the way, it’s dinnertime. Three tasty, veg-heavy meals a day are all you get, so make every bite count.

A cup of tea by the fireplace, and then it’s time to say good night. It doesn’t matter that it’s 8 p.m. You need the zzz’s. Tomorrow, you’ll do it all over again.