Hey, Dinocroc, you got nothing on the sinister monsters infecting the water in Maryland. It’s July 4, and instead of passing the ketchup, the people of Claridge are passing out — permanently. Oscar-winning director Barry Levinson’s found-footage horror flick goes to grotesque extremes, but it’s all based on fact: That tongue-eating isopod is burrowing its way into a fish’s mouth as we write this sentence.
It’s like: Quarantine aired on the Channel 5 News.
Take: A cuttlefish.
Premieres: Today

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Now for his next trick, Sean Penn will dress up like Grandma to play an aging rocker searching for a Nazi who humiliated his recently deceased father. Sound tracked to David Byrne and The Pieces of Sh!t, the quirky Sundancer takes audiences on a sweet road trip, making pit stops in Ireland, New York, and Utah.
It’s like: Someone cast Ozzy Osborne in Away We Go.
Take: Penn pals.
Premieres: Today

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You know those incredibad ’80s movies that become cult classics years later? Writer/director/ninth-degree black belt Grandmaster Y.K. Kim’s bayside taekwondo tale is one of them (thanks to an Alamo Drafthouse programmer who bought the flick on eBay for $50). So tonight you’re kicking it with college band Dragon Sound as they wipe out motorcycle ninjas to synth-pop beats rivaling The Zack Attack.
It’s like: Bruce Lee and Casey Kasem got high then made a grindhouse movie.
Take: Your iPod. You’ll want to Shazam “Against the Ninja” and “Friends Forever.”
Premieres: Today (limited screenings)

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We’ve been waiting since Sundance 2011 for this naughty nutcase comedy to release. You must hunt it down. Tobey Maguire plays a bumbling married lothario driven to scandal by mischievous raccoons and a crazy cat lady (genius Laura Linney). Just check out this director’s-cut trailer to see what we mean.
It’s like: Election meets Very Bad Things.
Take: The devil (on your shoulder).
Premieres: Today (on demand now)

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By now you’ve heard about Robert Zemeckis’s R-rated return to live action (after a twelve-year layover in animation station) and Denzel Washington’s return to bad boy. It’s being marketed as an action flick about a plane crash, and though it is that, the majority of the film is a character study of a man who eats beer for breakfast and snorts coke to sober up.
It’s like: Clean and Sober gets a better Bounce.
Take: Passenger 57.
Premieres: Today

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Craig. Daniel Craig. Like a debonair ninja, he free-falls down elevator shafts and dirt-bikes through stained-glass windows with nary a twirked cuff link. But what’s more exciting is that Brit director Sam Mendes is running the spy game. Expect a shocking, positively shocking, side of 007 not seen in the 22 other installments.
It’s like: Bond tweaking a la The Dark Knight series.
Take: Sophisticated babes and gadget geeks.
Premieres: November 9

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Jean-Marc Vallée wows with his feast of passion, music, and color. Two narratives about amour — one with a man and woman, the other with a mother and her son — pulse through Québécois actor Kevin Parent and French actress Vanessa Paradis (Heartbreaker). There’s hardly a dull moment, as celestial and haunting sounds resonate from Sigur Rós and Pink Floyd.
It’s like: Sliding Doors meets C.R.A.Z.Y.
Take: Votre mère magnifique.
Premieres: November 9

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Halloween’s passed, but scary movie season continues with Ciaran Foy’s horrifying debut (and SXSW Midnight Audience Award winner). It’s one thing to get attacked by a gang of feral kids; it’s another to find out they live in your building and want your baby.
It’s like: The Descent meets The Brood.
Take: Genre fans.
Premieres: November 9

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Who wore him best: Daniel Day-Lewis rocks Honest Abe; Anthony Hopkins murders Hitch. When it comes to Steven Spielberg’s presidential narrative and Sacha Gervasi’s portrait on the Master of Suspense, we say tie. See both biopics competing in the Oscar race.
It’s like: Battle of the Prosthetics.
Take: Four fathers and your mother.
Premieres: November 9, 23

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Our first encounter with the Russian doll was when Lisa Turtle was trying to impress a bookworm at Bayside. Our most recent? Joe Wright’s theater-meets-film-meets-dance production. Like a dollhouse that reads Don’t Touch, the set creaks and moves as its players, namely Keira Knightley and Aaron Johnson, glide and waltz through chapters of steamy sexual tension.
It’s like: Watching the novel unfold to an eight count.
Take: A partner.
Premieres: November 16

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You have 3.14 seconds to say yes to witnessing a shipwrecked Robinson Crusoe named Pi and a Bengal dubbed Richard Parker throw down on the open seas. Ang Lee opened NYFF with his 3-D film adaption of Yann Martel’s fable, and, trust us, it’s worth wearing the goofy glasses.
It’s like: Beasts of the Southern Pacific.
Take: The zoo (but leave the cubs at home; the subject matter gets intense).
Premieres: November 21

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How-you-like-him-now David O. Russell’s got a solid gold winner with a flashy roster — Bradley Cooper, Jennifer Lawrence, Robert De Niro, and (what what) Chris Tucker. Scoring TIFF’s Audience Award, the rom com about football, loony tunes, and the love of both has the comfort of Jerry Maguire, the seriousness of lithium, and a secret play that could. go. all. the. way.
It’s like: Flirting with Disaster while Dancing with the Stars.
Take: The Eagles. And the spread.
Premieres: November 21

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Even without legs she carries the story. Marion Cotillard plays a killer whale trainer who loses her limbs during a work accident but gains a love affair with an underground fighter. It’s won more awards than Shamu can swallow, and French director Jacques Audiard even manages to incorporate Katy Perry’s “Firework” — twice.
It’s like: Bullhead meets Wild Hearts Can’t Be Broken.
Take: Tissues. It’s dramatic.
Premieres: November 23

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NYC in 1989: Locals battle crack wars, while teens take up “wilding” (raising hell). The city is a very different animal in legendary documentarian Ken Burns’s racially charged, real-life law and order mystery. Settle in as five black and Latino teens go from fans of Yo MTV Raps to alleged rapists in a paradise lost.
It’s like: Judge Horton and the Scottsboro Boys.
Take: A two-hour recess.
Premieres: November 23

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Andrew Dominik’s highly stylized, subdued western, The Assassination of Jesse James, impresses us still; his follow-up feature, based on the book Cogan’s Trade, shot up Cannes and takes a turn for the violent, but still stars a similarly quiet sociopathic Brad Pitt leading an all-fella cast fit for Scorsese: Ben Mendelsohn, Richard Jenkins, James Gandolfini, and (of course) Ray Liotta.
It’s like: Gangs of New … Orleans.
Take: Ex-convicts, mobsters, and a hit man.
Premieres: November 30

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