Mr. Two-Picture-Deal just had his eyes done.
Those are not Miss Indie Ingenue’s boobs. Furthermore, (shocker) she’s not really blonde.
No-fat, no-foam, soy decaf latte with Equal? (Why even bother??)

What do you have to do to find the something real in the land of dreams?

Would you settle for a romantic dose of Italy where you’d least expect it? Head to Zucca, Joachim Splichal’s new sidewalk cafe and restaurant, which starts serving lunch tomorrow (Valentine’s Day) and dinner on February 20.

Splichal, the guy behind Patina, Nick & Stef’s and all the Pinots, is a stickler for detail, and it shows. Authentic touches include floors taken from an Italian farmhouse, Florentine frescoes, and Venetian chandeliers. They even swiped the name Zucca from a cafe in Milan.

And the food? Italian-from-Italy chef Giancarlo Gottardo prides himself on his simple fare. The fish is flown in daily from the Mediterranean. Rustic pastas represent each major region in Italy: from Sicily, sedanini with crispy eggplant; from Piedmont, roasted pumpkin tortelloni; and from Sardegna, mini gnocchi with a sausage ragout.

Even better than the real thing? Probably not. But close enough for our shores, and that’ll do just fine.

Zucca, 801 South Figueroa Street, at Eighth Street (213-614-7800).