First there was tequila night. (Followed by a late-night pit stop at In-N-Out Burger.)

Then, you just couldn’t pass up the Jell-O body shots at Bitsy’s bachelorette party. (That would have been just plain rude.)

And how else were you going to make it though the blind date with The All About Me Balding Agent From Hell? (“Another scotch on the rocks, please.”)

Sounds like someone needs the Gendarmerie’s ionic detox treatment, which purports to cleanse your body as it pretties your feet.

In a quaint cottage originally designed as a men’s spa, 82-year-old Frenchie firecracker Josette James starts things off with an ionic footbath. A copper tub creates an electromagnetic field (forget about BlackBerrying unless you want to get zapped), and Himalayan salts act as electrolytes that speed up osmosis and draw out toxins from the body. (Whatever. It feels nice.)

After 35 minutes, the water turns orange if your joints needed detoxing, dark green if your gallbladder is on overload, and brown if you’ve been overworking your liver.

A regular pedicures ensues: You emerge, cleansed from head to toe.

That is, unless you accept one of James’s free martinis.

Available at The Gendarmerie, 9069 Nemo Street, between Doheny Drive and Santa Monica Boulevard, West Hollywood (310-858-9009 or thegendarmerie.com).