Online - February 14, 2007

There’s No Place Like Home

Travel at Home

Short of writing the great American novel (doubtful) or breaking into Cuban cigar smuggling (under consideration), chances are you’re not jetting off to Bora Bora this month. (Bummer.)

So we present you with ideas for enjoying every type of vacation — at home. Affordable? Totally. Useful? Not so much.

Roughing It
Pitch a tent in the living room. Whether snazzy or old-school (blankets hung on chairs), it’ll make you feel like Cap’n Crunch in the wilderness. Roast s’mores with a blowtorch (be careful) and lose the gear (BlackBerry, phone, computer). If there’s an emergency, do what you would on a real vacay: Shoot tequila and pick up a stranger.

Five Star
The best part of any getaway? The hotel room key cards. The second best? Not having to clean or cook or wash yourself (that’s what the pool is for). Hire a chef, a maid, and a masseuse. Set up a lounge chair in front of the stove, crank to 350, bake.

Spring Break
First things first: Stock a bookshelf with mini bottles and drink umbrellas. Blend everything with fruit. Invite hot interns over for body shots, walk around in your bathing suit, and rent a foam machine. Watch porn (you know, for authenticity).

Worldly
Cultivate disorientation: Redecorate. (You’ll wake up and think, “Where am I?”) Order food you can’t pronounce. The next best thing to Paris? Subtitles. Netflix a Belle de Jour/Breathless double feature. Play some exotic tunes. When desperation strikes, contact your local tourism bureau: You may be living ten minutes from the world’s largest ball of wax. Invite your most pretentious friends over for whiskey and chain-smoking.

It’ll be a night of 1,001 tales.

  Budget Travel, Travel Tips