Clowns come in all schticks and sizes, from tragic (Shakespearean jester) to baffling (whatever you’d call Ronald McDonald). But a gruff, crime-obsessed species of the genus? That’s a rare find indeed.

The creepiest clown this side of a Stephen King novel, Crimebo (a.k.a. voice actor Michael Perrick) is a bizarre pastiche of a 1930s cat burglar, hard-boiled detective, and your crotchety great uncle. Clad in a zoot suit and fedora, he is never without his wisecracking dummy sidekick, Blinky, a decrepit baby doll taped to a stick.

Crimebo’s roster of services includes party entertainment and blind date chaperoning, but we’re especially partial to his birthday crime calls. For a mere $25 ($15 during the month of March), he will ring up your loved one on his special day and regale him with crime statistics, macabre jokes, and a truly bone-chilling rendition of “Happy Birthday.”

He’s so good, it ought to be illegal.

Crimebo (323-638-4097 or crimebo.com), $25 and up.

Photo: Nika Fadul / Getty Images