What Lies Beneath

Bring us your (spare) tire, your pooch. Your exposed asses, yearning to breathe free.

It’s a free country, Miss Liberty. And you’ve got every right to let those jeans ride lower than a crop duster during mosquito season.

But allowing your thong to show? That’s going too far. So do us a favor and get some Commandos. The disposable, stretchy, cotton strips stick to the curved pant seam and hold on tight, thereby forming an underwear-like barrier between you and your jeans — eliminating unsightly panty exposure.

So your jeans can be as low as they want to be. And you can get on with life, liberty, and the pursuit of seminakedness.

Available at Hustler, 1234 Washington Avenue, Miami Beach (305-673-5369); online at gocommandos.com.