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And now, a DailyCandy exclusive with the Ornamentation Firm of Bells and Whistles.

DC: What an honor it is to meet the duo behind the Hello Kitty toaster and pink pubic hair.

Bells: Don’t forget the Happy Meal. That was us.

DC: What of the rumors of a rift with Help, the new line of minimalist, gimmick-free first aid?

Whistles: Losers.

Bells: We pitched great ideas — SpongeBob acetaminophen pills, scratch-and-sniff bandages — but no dice. Some BS about how people want great products without all the — well, you know.

DC: Yes. And they donate 5 percent of profits to insuring the uninsured.

Whistles: Whatevs. I did take one for a headache yesterday, and it worked.

DC: So you’ll continue using their products?

Whistles: Hells, yeah. It’s an election year.

Bells: We need all the help we can get.


Available online at
helpineedhelp.com.