Patch Me Through. . .

There are patches to quit smoking.
Patches to erase wrinkles.
Patches to stop you from vomiting on a boat.
Patches for Pirates.
Now, we present:

Patches for cell phones.
No, silly, this is not some sissy design item. This is the latest purported remedy to all the hype surrounding cell phones and cancer?a sticker you put on your cell phone that is an alleged quick fix for cell phone users’ freaking out about the long-term damage of all that yap-yapping they’ve been doing.

Till now, the earpiece has been the reasonable alternative… but now there’s even speculation as to the effectiveness of sticking a wire in your ear.

(And besides, you look pretty stupid talking to yourself on the street.)

Now Wave Shield, a small black-and-silver sticker made of “Shieldron,” a mesh-like fiber created by the Japanese for defense purposes (it was used to cover machinery that released radiation), is the latest creation to capitalize on all our wildest fears.

According to research, it’s legit: Global Certification Laboratories gave it the A-OK with details about MHz, MKA, dBm, RBW, SWP, and SMP. (Say what?) Here’s all you need to know: Wave Shield reportedly blocks between 97 and 99 percent of the waves that can gnaw away at your brain cells.

If, that is, you have any left.