Is that the whisper of sweet nothings we hear echoing across the land?

Easy on the sonnets, Shakespeare. Here’s the real Valentine’s vocab.

bandwagoner
n. A once-single woman who traditionally swears off the holiday but is now happily coupled off and suddenly all about hearts, roses, and luuuv …

candy-boxer
n. A cop-out gifter. (“Good old George. He’s a total candy-boxer, but I still love him.”)

cryday the 13th
n. The day before Valentine’s Day if you don’t have a boy/girlfriend.

engage-mint
n. A pre-necking breath freshener, often consumed post-BFD (Big Fat Diamond).

fear goggling
n. The act of rushing into a relationship in order to avoid spending Valentine’s Day alone.

flighty Aphrodite
n. A favorite Valentine’s date, she’s undeniably attractive and intellectually challenged. See also foxymoron.

hetox
n. Taking a a break from romance and its attending insanities. A.k.a. turning off the valve. See also: shetox.

kama-suture
n. Aid for injuries sustained during aerobic bedroom exercises (particularly by non-aerobic types).

love at first fight
n. Syndrome experienced by those drawn to each other by arguments and make-up sex.

poxes of chocolate
n. Last-minute purchases of cheap, red-cellophane-wrapped, low-quality chocolates that make one immediately ill.

scamentine
n. Someone who always has a random hookup on Valentine’s Day.

Valenspammer
n. Shallow sentimentalist who sends valentines to everyone she knows. (“Don’t be flattered by Josie’s card. She’s a notorious Valenspammer.”)

More fun with language? Oh, you literate fool. Lexicons X, IX, and VII should tide you over.