New York - February 11, 2005

Lexicon XI

The Valentine Lexicon

Is that the whisper of sweet nothings we hear echoing across the land?

Easy on the sonnets, Shakespeare. Here’s the real Valentine’s vocab.

bandwagoner
n. A once-single woman who traditionally swears off the holiday but is now happily coupled off and suddenly all about hearts, roses, and luuuv …

candy-boxer
n. A cop-out gifter. (“Good old George. He’s a total candy-boxer, but I still love him.”)

cryday the 13th
n. The day before Valentine’s Day if you don’t have a boy/girlfriend.

engage-mint
n. A pre-necking breath freshener, often consumed post-BFD (Big Fat Diamond).

fear goggling
n. The act of rushing into a relationship in order to avoid spending Valentine’s Day alone.

flighty Aphrodite
n. A favorite Valentine’s date, she’s undeniably attractive and intellectually challenged. See also foxymoron.

hetox
n. Taking a a break from romance and its attending insanities. A.k.a. turning off the valve. See also: shetox.

kama-suture
n. Aid for injuries sustained during aerobic bedroom exercises (particularly by non-aerobic types).

love at first fight
n. Syndrome experienced by those drawn to each other by arguments and make-up sex.

poxes of chocolate
n. Last-minute purchases of cheap, red-cellophane-wrapped, low-quality chocolates that make one immediately ill.

scamentine
n. Someone who always has a random hookup on Valentine’s Day.

Valenspammer
n. Shallow sentimentalist who sends valentines to everyone she knows. (“Don’t be flattered by Josie’s card. She’s a notorious Valenspammer.”)

More fun with language? Oh, you literate fool. Lexicons X, IX, and VII should tide you over.