Samhainophobia? That’s the least of your problems, even on Halloween.

Good luck juggling your city-inflicted self-diagnoses. Please seek medical advice before taking any medication.

adoormant fear
n. Pending sense of doom and culpability associated with having to face seemingly omnipotent doorman (a.k.a. keeper of keys and dirty secrets) the morning after a long night.

cabandonment issues
n. Psychological trauma resulting from loss of hailed taxis and repeated flagging of off-duty cars.

grateful dread
n. Fear of sidewalk and subway grates that threaten to destroy one’s beloved new shoes.

nosleeptillBrooklynitis
n. Anxiety-ridden state of semiconsciousness developed while riding subway home late at night. Symptoms include dry mouth and spontaneous muscle spasms.

post-traumatic press disorder
n. The freak out experienced after being cited in Page Six or on an equally annoying gossip blog. (To help cope with her PTPD, Nicole threw her BlackBerry in the toilet and canceled her Internet connection for the month.)

toxic schlock syndrome
n. Illness resulting in routine inability to circumvent Fendi fakes, African trinkets, and other crappy merchandise sold by sidewalk vendors.