Sometimes you’re just full of baloney. It may be your personality. To mark the opening of Salumeria Rosi Parmacotto, the new Italian market and eatery on the Upper West Side, we asked our favorite Tuscan, Cesare Casella, a partner in the venture, to guide us through the vast array of cured meats available. Whaddaya know? For every type, there’s a salume. prosciutto Toscano grigliato - hand-rubbed with rosemary and grilled “A big personality. Wild and rude but sweet — he has a big heart.” arista - slow-roasted pork loin “A skinny girl who makes a big impression. Elegantly dressed but looks better naked.” speck di Tirolo - dry-cured smoked ham “A good-natured German emperor smoking a Havana by the lake.” salame Toscano finocchiona - seasoned with fennel “Happy, a screamer. A little fat and a little gay.” prosciutto arrosto - roasted for fourteen hours “Soft and delicate. Good for a lunch date but not for dinner.” coppa - salted pork collar “A mountain man, virile and energetic. And smells really great.” If the pig fits, eat it. Salumeria Rosi Parmacotto, 283 Amsterdam Avenue, between West 73rd and 74th Streets (212-877-4800).