Season’s greetings! It’s time for the annual family newsletter. The one that cleverly masks the fact that I lack personal ambition and haven’t had physical contact with a man in eleven months.

Brother violated parole again (crazy guy!) and baby has been pooping in a corner of the bathroom for six weeks straight. We blame the figgy pudding. Don’t have the cash (or a job!) to send generic gift cards you’ll forget to use, so everyone’s getting DailyCandy e-cards from Someecards.com.

To boss: “May your shameful behavior at the office holiday party not follow you throughout the remainder of your career.”

To the whiny girlfriend: “I hope spending the holidays in a part of the country where almost everyone is obese will help put your recent three-pound weight gain in perspective.”

Because when job security, market stability, and rehab are all on back order, laughter is the next best gift.

Available online at someecards.com.