This is not a test. DailyCandy Kids, in voluntary cooperation with the federal, state, and local authorities, has identified a relationship emergency in your immediate area.

Please hire a babysitter, leave the kids at home, and proceed to a hotel to get it on.

Soho
Get a taste of London, courtesy of the soon-to-be LEED-certified Crosby Street Hotel (79 Crosby Street, between Prince and Spring Streets; 212-226-6400). Have champers in The Crosby Bar before strolling arm-in-arm through the streets of Soho, reminiscing about life circa 1992.

Murray Hill
Nest at the industrial Ace Hotel (20 West 29th Street, between Fifth Avenue and Broadway; 212-679-2222) with its massive library and killer joe (courtesy of Stumptown Coffee). Be one of the first to try The Breslin’s meaty menu (slated to open this month from The Spotted Pig crew) before retiring to your Roman & Williams-designed room to work it off.

Uptown
If you want Central Park in proximity, book a night at The Surrey (20 East 76th Street, between Fifth and Madison Avenues; 212-288-3700) on the Upper East Side, where Pratesi robes and breakfast in bed courtesy of Cafe Boulud are musts. Rendezvous at the romantic English rooftop garden for a nightcap and a stunning view of Manhattan.

Tribeca
Go large with the duplex North Moore suite at The Greenwich Hotel (377 Greenwich Street, between North Moore and Franklin Streets; 212-941-8900). With its soaring 30-foot skylights, chef’s kitchen, and fully stocked fridge (per your requests), you’ll have to pry yourself away to soak in the Zen pool at the Shibui Spa downstairs.

This concludes the message of the Emergency Relationship System.

Photo: Courtesy of The Greenwich Hotel

EXPLORE
iKidNY
What: Navigate the five boroughs with this GPS-based app that lists playgrounds, parks, changing tables, and kid-friendly restaurants.
Why: It’s on-the-go fun.
When: Every day, all day.
Where: Available for the iPhone and iTouch at itunes.com.

RELAX
Soho Sanctuary & Mama Mio Skincare’s Spa Night
What: Kick back and enjoy a free evening of wellness, including mini spa treatments and beauty, fitness, and nutrition tips for expectant and new moms.
Why: Have great expectations.
When: Thurs., 6-7:30 p.m.
Where: Soho Sanctuary, 119 Mercer St., b/t Prince & Spring Sts. (212-334-5550). Call or e-mail juliachan@sohosanctuary.com to register. The first 25 registrants get a bag of pampering treats.

HEAR
Animal Tales: Lolli-Pops Concert
What: Make Way for Ducklings comes to life through classical music.
Why: Get your ducks in a row and go.
When: Sat., 10:30 a.m. & noon; Sun., 1 & 2:30 p.m.
Where: Gerald W. Lynch Theater, at John Jay College, 899 Tenth Ave., b/t 58th & 59th Sts. For tickets, call 212-971-9500.