Whether your apartment always looks like a tornado hit or you left your windows open last Thursday, you’ve got a no-fun mess on your hands.

Get Team Clean, a new holistic cleaning service, to come over and attack your grime.

When you send up the mess flare, Candace Mills and her “teamsters,” including husband-and-wife artist duo J. Penry (who created the website’s awesome illustrations) and Megan Pflug, will come running with all-natural, nontoxic potions (Dr. Bronner’s, Ecover, Green Depot) in tow.

Don’t think a green thumb can pass the white glove test? Think again: These suds are strong enough to strip away groddyness but leave no harmful residues for babies, pets, and curious adults to ingest. We don’t recommend it, but you can basically eat their homemade lavender wood and leather conditioner, and they use solvents you could find in your cupboard (vinegar, baking soda, lemons).

Under, over, between, behind, above — they’ll go places you never knew you wanted them to go. Don’t worry, it’s a lot more wholesome than it sounds.

Team Clean (718-866-5954 or teamcleannyc.com), $45 per hour, two-hour minimum.

Art: J. Penry

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