Online - December 15, 2005

Secret Santa Seeks Professional Help

Secret Holiday Gift Exchange How To

Last year’s office gift exchange was a total disaster. (Good job getting Tom “Twelve Steps” from marketing that bottle of scotch.)

This year, avoid another paltry gift-giving attempt by e-mailing your co-workers this list of terms and conditions:

1. Keep gifts at twenty bucks. No cheaping out, bozo.

2. If you happen to have ______ (insert own name), you must send him/her something special prior to the exchange (a pre-gift, if you will).

3. Do not share the name of your person. This is a secret gift exchange, idiots.

4. Even if you don’t like your person (or worse, you hate him/her because you slept with him/her) you must give a thoughtful gift.

5. In the same vein, no double-dipping. Once you choose a name from the hat, you cannot put it back, saying “It was practice.”

6. Take turns sending (festive) death threats to the team to ensure that ______ (insert name of Big Mouth from sales) doesn’t blab the details.

7. Gifts must be wrapped creatively. E.g., recycle dirty magazines, ______ (insert name of co-worker involved in company harassment suit).

8. If you are late for the exchange of gifts, your present will immediately become property of ______ (insert own name).

9. No re-gifting office freebies. We repeat, NO re-gifting crap you find in the office. That means you, ______ (insert name of cheap bastard in finance who gave you colored markers pilfered from the supply closet).

10. Do not leave your gift to fate — or the bad taste of ______ (insert name of co-worker who jams to John Tesh). Send out a list of appropriate choices.

11. Messing up this gift exchange will result in disqualification.

This is our one opportunity to create a cherished tradition, so don’t f—k it up, people.