Vow of Sanity

You promised it wouldn’t happen. You’re a laid back, easy breezy gal. But as of late, you’re one strap and a shackle away from the loony bin. Last week you used four-letter words in conversation with the priest. Recent shopping encounters had the maids cowering. And just this morning you nearly came to blows with your future mother-in-law over a steak-or-salmon dilemma. Stop behaving like you made a deal with the devil. It’s time to rekindle your vows.

Vow No. 1 — Wedding Coordinator
I, (name), will hire wedding coordinator Alice Griséz (415-517-8003) or Skip Price (415-407-8493; skip@priceproductions.com) to wear the bossy pants and keep overbearing mothers, chatty maids, and drunken groomsmen in check.

Vow No. 2 — Florist
I, (name), give you, Nancy Liu Chin, the artistic freedom to create exquisite floral arrangements for my wedding. With a stunning portfolio of every color scheme and style imaginable, you have the same (or, okay, maybe more) talent than I do (1095 Tennessee Street; 415-647-2012).

Vow No. 3 — Invitations
I, (name), promise to give my lovely guests plenty of time to plan ahead. With Miss Stitch’s help, I will create adorable, kitschy save-the-dates with all the pertinent details. And for the big event, I solemnly swear to collaborate with Amy Hayson and Mary Beth Fiorentino of Peculiar Pair Press to come up with a stunning invitation (415-812-7247 or 415-407-7247). Seal them with a kiss and have them addressed in beautiful calligraphy-inspired handwriting by Jamie Junghans Shaw (415-272-5264; jamiejunghans@yahoo.com).

Vow No. 4 — Photographer and Videographer
I, (name), give thee, Lisa Lefkowitz, permission to photograph me (duh) and every aspect of my wedding (415-826-9330). And just so I never forget a single thing about this day, I, (name), will contract with Bliss Video Productions to capture, edit, and create a slamming video that I will watch over and over again (415-297-4116).

Vow No. 5 — Cake
At the reception, I, (name), will celebrate the end of this crazy brideorexic diet with a fancy cake from either My Friend the Chocolate Cake (2150 Third Street; 415-551-6400) or one of Shinmin Li’s insanely creative works of art (415-425-4617). Or maybe a tower of cupcakes from Kara’s Cupcakes (415-681-2240). Oh, decisions, decisions.

Vow No. 6 — Bridesmaids
I, (name), adore my friends and therefore promise not to make them wear expensive, hideous dresses that they hate. I am secure enough with myself to let them look pretty too on my wedding day, and I shall make their job as easy as pie by sending them to J.Crew to get their frocks.

Vow No. 7 — Hair & Makeup
I, (name), take you, Paige Boyer and Oscar Faoro (of the Alex Chases Salon), to be my fantastic beauty duo. Paige, in your hands, I know my face will look stunning after you have applied makeup in that I’m-so-naturally-beautiful way that you do. And Oscar, with your talent, my tresses will look just perfect (166 Geary Street, suite 107; 415-397-5505).

Vow No. 8 — The Gown
I, (name), am aware that some styles just don’t work for me. So I’ll go to Ginger’s Bridal Salon and get a gown that accentuates my assets and hides my flaws (130 Maiden Lane; 415-781-8559).

Vow No. 9 — The Caterer
With this check, I, (name), leave the menu in the hands of talented husband-and-wife duo Tom and Gloria Atherstone of Glass Onion Catering. Their delicious food and stunning presentation will ensure that my guests don’t go hungry (510-848-3542).

Vow No. 10 — Post-Wedding Brunch
I, (name), will leave the morning after in the hands of the adorable Whitney Berkholtz at Cooking in Heels. Her gourmet egg sandwiches and French toast bites are sure to have guests returning home with full bellies and fond memories (415-440-4797).