Dear Farmer John,

I know my time is drawing near, and this may seem a bit morbid, but I want a say in what happens to my fleshy meat. You see, I want to go whole hog instead of becoming boring bacon.

Let me explain. Gourmet caterers Fork & Spoon are seeking perfect 40-pounders for their new Le Grand Pig dinner, available through August 31. For $1,000, a chef delivers me as an entire meal for fifteen foodies.

I become a fancy feast: braised belly with Tuscan-style white beans, crepinette of fresh sausage sliders, crackling skin, boneless saddle stuffed with house-made sausage and cherry bread pudding — all served with biscuits, sweet and sour applesauce, and dessert.

I will rest in peace knowing that those silly carnivores will be in hog heaven.

Your Suckling,

Porky

Fork & Spoon Productions (415-552-7130 or forkandspoonproductions.com).