July 28, 2006

Shiny Snappy People

Bald Guy Greetings

Look at you. Making nicey nice again with all the pain-in-the-ass hangers-on in your life. How frustrating to have to act sugar sweet when you really just want that person out of your hair.

Which is one point in favor of baldness. Or, rather, an argument for sending cheeky sentiments from new local card purveyors Bald Guy Greetings.

So when your co-worker gets dumped by her “perfect” beau: You’d hate to gloat, but given that you heard about the dude every day for two years, three months, and six days, you could express your condolences thusly: Sorry to hear about your breakup (outside), but if it helps, I always thought he was an asshole, anyway. In fact, we used to make fun of you for dating him (inside).

Or if the hint-retardant fellow continues his pesky pattern, shoot this heartfelt gem his way: I value our friendship (outside), and by “value our friendship,” I mean I’m never going to sleep with you. Happy birthday (inside).

Sign your name or send these notes anonymously, but don’t deny that you already have a list of potential recipients.

That would be a bald-faced lie.

Available online at baldguygreetings.com.