Guy Fawkes, Guy Fawkes, ’twas his intent to blow up the king in Parliament.

Poor effort.

If he’d wanted to do a proper job, Mr. Fawkes should have gone to Damn Good Fireworks. He could have purchased a couple of bombettes, a few whistling-tail crackers and a silver-tail coconut tree in a ready-to-go party box for a mere 30 gold sovereigns. And he’d have the whole lot delivered to his door without needing to haul barrels of gunpowder through London. He could have shared any leftovers with his prison inmates over Christmas and New Year because they last for months and always make an excellent present.

Alternatively, he could have paid the nice people at Damn Good Fireworks to put the display on for him. Then he’d have kept that ridiculously metrosexual get-up clean.

Along with his reputation.

Available online at damngoodfireworks.co.uk.

Warning: when lighting fireworks, use common sense — especially in enclosed urban areas. For safety advice go to http://www.dti.gov.uk.