I’m afraid of the dark and sadly unable to adopt a large husky to watch me sleep (thank you, New York Co-Op boards). At least a walnut wood night-light with a wolf on it won’t shed. I’ll also rest easier if you give an adoptable pup a forever home.

Available at barbandbear.com, $75.

If you don’t already know his name, go directly to YouTube. The Austin-based rock- and bluesman’s new album doesn’t drop till October 22, but you can preorder now and get special perks (tee, extra tracks, early concert access).

Available at garyclarkjr.com, $35. 

I usually kill green things, and this fringed holder is shaped like the pyramids (as in where ancient Egyptians entombed their dead). If I get one, I’m naming the poor succulent inside Tut. 

Available at wendynicholnyc.com, $95.

The Renoir-esque pattern is busy enough that if/when things get rowdy at dinner and I spill some lambrusco, no one will be the wiser. The print also pairs well with chambray shirts, and I own one of those for each day of the week.

Available at urbanoutfitters.com, $39. 

I’m that person who always wears her seat belt in a cab. I’m also a person who has very real plans to take up skateboarding. When I do, you better believe I’m protecting my noggin with painted safety gear from Brooklyn artist Benny Merris. 

Available at shopgreyarea.com, $285.
 

My meadow or yours?

Available at leatherheadsports.bigcartel.com, $115.

Yes, I’m a girl, and, technically, this oxford is designed for skinny hipster boys. That doesn’t stop me from wanting to frondle it. 

Available at jfandson.com, $127.

Time is a squirrelly little thing. Bet I’ll have an easier time catching it with a cat clock.

Available at kit-cat.com, $60.

The voice of Cher Horowitz prevents me from doing something ungraceful at least once daily. Like failing to make cameos at Val parties or forgetting to tell you to watch Drop Dead Gorgeous, a comedic gem starring Kirsten Dunst. 

Available at amazon.com, $3-$25.

Note how the wide mock turtleneck collar allows you to layer an actual turtleneck underneath. Why not pair the both with tortoiseshell glasses and clashing printed pants. 

Available at laurenmoffatt.net, $228.

I own and plan to wear this felt cap — a cross between a yarmulke and Maru — for all of its nine lives. To the enlightened people who have complimented me on the street: Keep it coming; I’m all ears. 

Available at eugeniakim.com, $240. 

On Halloween, I go Method. Last year I was a tap-dancing Karl Lagerfeld who never smiled. This year I’m dressing as the Loch Ness monster. Will I exist? Who knows. Will I avoid close-up photos and request that all Instagrams be filtered with Inkwell? Aye.

Available at etsy.com, $185.

I once had a pair of Schwoods. They met their match in the form of a large foot. If owner of said foot would like to make amends, feel free to send a pair of rounded mahogany shades with sweet lil’ maple inlays. 

Available at shwoodshop.com, $275.

As a former high school long jumper, I sometimes leap over blackish gray curbside puddles no problem. As someone well removed from my athletic years, I occasionally catch the last few inches and spew street slush all over myself. A pair of purple-green wellies fixes the issue. 

Available at net-a-porter.com, $150. 

All books that come with 3-D glasses are okay in my eyes, but this volume is gorgeous. Get lost in each fern, cactus, and mushroom for what seems like days. I call it an anti-page-turner, because portraits of the ground were never more mesmerizing. 

Available at thomassires.com, $36.

Metallic leather emojis you can wear are the best kind of emojis. 

Available at fancyponyland.com, $120.

You can always spot a cat lady, and everyone loves dogs. I myself am a bird person. I’d try to convince you of why our feathered friends are superior, but talk is cheap and at least this fluffy knit cardinal won’t annoy the neighbors. 

Available at projectno8.com, $48.

I’ve found that the best way to deal with people who won’t make eye contact is to flash them (with the glitter around your eyes). 

Available at barneys.com, $27. 

Wooden jigsaws really do it for me. Thicker pieces are harder to lose than their cardboard counterparts and shapes (skeletons, coyotes, cacti, and their abstract surroundings) difficult enough to challenge experts (yours truly) time and again.

Available at libertypuzzles.com, $65.

My very first manicure was with blue polish from Walmart. Today’s paint job involves a little-known brand by the name of Chanel. 

Available at chanel.com, $30.

I have a Miu Miu (word) problem. It takes me two minutes to get from our office to the Soho shop and three seconds to fall in love with a new pair of shoes. If the shop restocks multiple times per season, and I fall into this trap many times a year, what does this mean for my bank statement? If you’re stumped, don’t feel bad: I haven’t solved it either. 

Available at neimanmarcus.com, $790.

Go ahead and try to guess my home state. 

Available at tylersaustin.com, $35.

My favorite Nordic company specializes in blankets based on Icelandic folklore. This striped brown fellow was knit from native sheep’s wool and designed to mimic the mighty sea eagle. All normal things.

Available at vikprjonsdottir.com, $470. 

A teacher I once knew (not my mother) used an inside-out purple Crown Royal bag for her sack of small knickknacks and rewards. Almost as cool: Of a Kind’s pouch filled with adult school supplies (Paper Pastries pencils, Poketo sticky notes, Baggu key chain, Terrapin bicycle cards).

Available at ofakind.com, $50.

Emo: When I feel it, I paint pictures of and/or for my friends. Shame: I feel none for my particular lack of artistic talent. Proof: a portrait of Pete Lumsden I watercolored for our video editor, Lauren Lumsden.

Available at dickblick.com, $36. 
 

I’ve been loyal to the French house’s Eau des Merveilles for years; before that, Chanel No. 5. Hermès’s newest scent is like a tranquil bridge between the two. It’s complex and warm for winter, with notes of vanilla, labdanum, and patchouli. 

Available at hermes.com, $108-$149.

The floral pumps with bouquets of seasonal sequins are prohibitively expensive, but at least I can say the four-figure price is less than one thing — ideal. 

Available at saksfifthavenue.com, $1,495. 

To quote a fellow Jordan (Tracy), “Live every week like its Shark Week.” 

Available at brashcat.com, $200.

Winter is coming, and a struggle (for warmth) awaits. The structured shoulders on the cobalt number are just the kind of power (silhouette) I need to face the wall (of black coats trudging down Broadway). Unrelated: I’m excited for the return of Game of Thrones. 

Available at my-wardrobe.com, $584.