All those lectures about not getting too close to the TV? Totally a waste. You still want to jump into the tube and hang out in South Park, have your own meltdown on Wisteria Lane, and, most of all, sit front row in the kitchen while Food Network chefs work their magic. Instead of sharpening your knives (and killing your eyes) for Kitchen Stadium, pull up a chair at Equinox. Before the resto opens for dinner, chef Todd Gray holds private cooking classes at the bar. (Yes, your very own Mario.) You’ll work your way through three courses and pair each with wine. Classes cover anything from Thanksgiving turkey to an inspired vegan meal. Or how to perfect the simplest tasks, like frying an egg (the right way). When class is over, you get to enjoy your hard-earned meal. Chef Gray’s goal is for you to use what you’ve learned as a road map for future food adventures. Finding your way from the living room to the kitchen? That’s up to you. Equinox, 818 Connecticut Avenue NW, between H and I Streets (202-331-8118).