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Dear ________ [loved one],

Camp has been so _____ [’80s adjective].

When I heard I’d be stuck playing ______ [country club activity] and wearing ____ [pattern], I was _____ [teenage emotion]. But this is no ____ [Disney princess] camp.

We all piled into a ________ [vintage car] for the airport. The driver, a dead ringer for _________ [rehab rock star] taught us games like _____ [petty criminal action verb]-the-passers-by and _____ [verb] with your _____ [body part] closed.

The first morning, a _______ [retro sitcom character] look-alike asked me to ________ [sexual activity]. Then it was _____ [guy] in the ____ [terrain] and even ________ [girl] under the ________ [natural structure]. All before ____ [meal].

I’ve learned new skills. We ________ [sedentary verb] around the campfire, make musical instruments out of ________ [drug paraphernalia], and play _______ [soft music genre] versions of ________ [death metal group]’s songs.

When we’re not making runs to ________ [fast food chain], we shoot local ________ [small creatures], which we roll in ________ [kids’ breakfast cereal] and sprinkle with ________ [favorite movie snack].

And who knew I was an ace at ________ [classic camp activity]? Next time anyone grabs my ________ [protruding body part] on the bus, I’ll _________ [violent action] that ________ [derogatory name].

I can’t wait until next summer!